The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
