Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
