Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
