I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
