Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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