Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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