lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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