Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
