Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
