I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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