woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
