You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
