I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm at about main and main street
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
