Nicole vs. Life
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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