I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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