so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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