my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
