How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
They are going to name an STD after you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
