census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
