Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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