You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
