I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
