saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
