so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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