It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
