I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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