Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Barsexuality is the new black.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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