my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And then he peed in my hair
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