The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Screwed.edu
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
