just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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