there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
