I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
