Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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