If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
