Fuck appropriateness.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
