I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
