after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
