I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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