My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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