New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My life is pants optional.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
