My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
