Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
