i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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