Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
