You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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