I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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