I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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