My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
