I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
