I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
