Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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