I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
