I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
