Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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