I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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